her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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