Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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