if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
what the fuck happened to the tacos
tell me about the eggs
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
