i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
