Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
