the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
