WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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