so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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