we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
