I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
