Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
