I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
