I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
