here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
