So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I came so hard my ears popped.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
