Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
