hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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