College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
