i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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