textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Watching her eat just hurts me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
