Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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