Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
