Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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