this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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