Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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