there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
