hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
