the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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