I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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