Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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