i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
