I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Randomize
