So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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