They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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