i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
