I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
