I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
