Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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