true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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