You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
barbara walters just said penis...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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