tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
