sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
only you would photoshop your dick
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
