There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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