my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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