i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
