Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We need to get me chipped asap
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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