My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
