As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
