The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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