The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
