I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
