weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
